Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I need to calm my uterus...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
