She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
