Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
