you turned your livingroom into a bong?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
