Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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