sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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