The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
