I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
