AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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