can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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