The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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