I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
