sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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