Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
