I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
