last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
