When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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