I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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