I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
