plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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