My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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