i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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