I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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