Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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