Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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