Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
