farters have to be the big spoon...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
