It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
