i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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