I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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