who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
