so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What a dumb baby whore.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
