I met the friendliest cop last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
