I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
