I wish they made helmets for livers.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize