Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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