Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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