ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
