I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
