We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
