meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
