i don't like sucking hair
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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