It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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