Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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