I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
