he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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