apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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