He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
