I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
