In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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