His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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