Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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