Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
