i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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