I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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