im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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