I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
