I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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