I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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