You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
