It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
