so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
