I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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